He was dreaming. In his dream, he was a cheesecake. He was a cheesecake who was about to deliver a presentation to a room full of hoomans in the mountains in Scotland. (why Scotland? why is he a cheesecake you ask? how will I know? It is his dream. Dreams have no rhyme or reason as we know, so just go with it) Right before he connects to the main projector, he gets a notification on his chat app. It was his girlfriend reminding him of some little insignificant thing.
He texts back, “I always remember”
She replies, “Aww, I love you”
He texts back, “But I love you more”
She replies, “Take me on a date then”
Him: “I will”
Her: “When? where, can’t wait…”
Him: “You pick”
Her: “The Gallery Café”
Him: “Where is it?”
Her: “Colombo, of course, where else.. “
Him: “That is a million miles away from where I am”
Her: “Really? Are u in Pluto?”
Him: “Haha.. very smart. Scotland at the convention, did you forget?”
No reply…
He turns off the phone, the projector is fixed, and he is ready to go and give the presentation. Smiling from the chat, he is in a good mood and aces the talk weirdly with zero care on what the audience thought yet surprisingly engaging his audience. His talk comes to a close and leaning on the huge auditorium door is his girlfriend, waving and beaming at him with pure joy.
How did she fly all the way from Colombo to Scottish mountains you ask?
Been an avid reader of spiritual, self help books for a very long time now. Not many of us have the time or patience to read many books at this day and age. Took the parts that worked for me and made that into a journal.
Obviously nothing in here is original, any profit if at all made from this venture would go to the charity karam-kodupom.
Please try your hands in this journal and let me know if it made your life better. For every purchase you make, you also get a free give away to your friend or family. All you need to do is share your email-id that you used to purchase the book and the email-id of your friend or family.
If you know of someone who cannot afford the book but can benefit from it, they also get it as a give away gift.
Reach out to me via comments in this blog post or via any of my social media platforms @csuryapandian or mail me at suryamailsyou@gmail.com
“I think there was something to me, too, that felt very very truly queer and gay about that moment because I think the character of David has a kind of gay archness, right?
Which is you know, very familiar, you know? It is kind of campy and some of that is the result of, even though the show doesnt depic homophobia, it is a life of not seeing yourself, it is a life of being told you’ll never get true love, it is a life of not being told that your love matters.
And so, watching that, that archness break could be meaningful to any viewer because it was so beautiful, but I think for people who know that, from the inside out, there was something in watching that emotional journey, that was like “oh wow!” That’s what was so moving to me.” – Rachel Giese
On Schitt’s Creek. An amazing sitcom, please watch if you haven’t already.
Here she talks about the moment when David finally falls in a healthy love. But then again this need not only hold true for gay, anyone to whom love was elusive could relate to this. Myself included or Michael Scott from “The Office” for instance.
Anyways, if you haven’t already may you find love soon!
In the rare times in my life when I had to deal with assholes I used to wonder “how could they be an asshole? can they not see being decent is so much easier and joyful? how could they miss it?” I just strongly refused to see anyone as an asshole. But with time opinions change.
On assholes
“The level of evolution is not enough. It is kind of self gratifying when you are able to put somebody else down and have absolutely no repurcurssion for your action.” – Anushka Sharma
How I deal with assholes? (These steps are tested in my own life and they work)
Recognise an asshole for an asshole. Don’t try to excuse them or try to build a narrative in your head to see them as human. It’s okay, world has all kinds of people that is how it works and you are bound to come across assholes.
Establish proper boundaries. You are an absolute idiot if you expect morality/respect from an asshole. Be strong, be hard set strict boundaries.
Have integrity. Know who you are. Be open to feedback. Be strong and hold your head high and keep doing the best you can at any given day.
Said all that it is true that “If you truly understand a being it is impossible to hate them”. This is true for assholes as well. If you are fortunate and privileged to have all the time in the world, then go on. Dedicate your life to bring in decency and morality. I am not that tho, assholes are a minority. While there are plenty of decent folks my 2c is, why waste your time and energy regardless of whatever level you are wasting on, a waste is a waste.
In unavoidable situation I see my interaction with assholes as the practical application of all the spiritual books that I read.
Anyways, life feels so much at ease when you finally start seeing things as is instead of deluding yourself with a false narrative. Your decisions are better, the results are more positive. Life in general is calmingly joyful when you are grounded in reality.
Good night world!
p.s: Huge shoutout to Sadhana. I would have written many articles about her in my blog one of the most incredibly strong woman whom I am fortunate to call my friend. She rightly pointed this out when I was trying so hard to have a good rapport with an asshole because I thought that is what being a “decent” human is. When I told her what was happening she very strongly and firmly said, “Surya you dont need an asshole in any aspect of life. There is absolutely no need for you to be friend with an asshole for any reason.”
When I first left my family for studies and job over a decade ago, I didnt feel sad I was relieved to be away. They are decent chaps. I was the asshole. Of course with me being the asshole the world knocked me out over and over and over and over again for many many years until I got close to being civil and decent. Here I am now. But everytime when I look back at the year before or even few years before I cannot stop but wonder at my stupidity. So honestly I don’t know how much of stupidity and assholesness is left in me.
Anyways, for the sake of this post let us assume I am reasonably kind and decent. Over the course of the last decade I have generally becoming more decent and loving. Thankfully I have also been feeling loved in equal measures if not more. Recently a day or two back this happened and I don’t want to forget it.
I had some rough days at work followed by a severe throat infection where I nearly lost my voice. Given I dont spend a lot of time with my family I did my best at work, helped at home chores and showed up at family social events but it was taxing.
And then this one day, I had a lot going on and was particularly sick, felt obligated to clock in coz i had already accepted few meetings and felt i wasnt too bad yet to take a sick leave.
That particularly grim day, I had soaked some laundry that I intended to have cleaned via the washing machine. Usually I am meeting free but that day I wasn’t, so I went in preparing for the meetings and then into the meeting and then post meeting work etc… Given my busy day, my sweet mom came in and out giving me fruits like peeled pomegranate, fruit juice etc… I almost didn’t help her at all at kitched that day. My mum and dad had co-ordinated with auto driver to pick us up for a event where I had wanted to go to take care of certain things. I had to again rush from the event because I hadn’t taken the day off and had few other meetings. I barely had time to eat food that day. I obviously should have canceled meetings and taken leave that day.
Anyways, the point here is. When the day was all over and the village had gone asleep I remember the soaked clothes I left by the washing machine in the backyard.
Unlocked the doors, turned on the backyard light and the clothes are neatly drying up.
That was a moment of relief and I felt so loved. My mom probably did that.
Growing up watching and reading movies and books where love is through words and expressed through hugs and kisses. Often as a teen I have painfully wondered if my family ever loved me. I was also a very confused, scared teen who didn’t have the patience, kindness or could articulate clearly.
From there to this moment of feeling loved. Wow! I wouldn’t give this up for a million “I love you”s. How stupid have I been to not see this?
I wish I could be there and take care of my parents. Anytime my parents wish I am there with them I hope I am with them. It is ironic that all through my childhood and teenage I didn’t love my parents as much as I love them now when I dont spend my everyday with them. If I could go back in time I would do more home chores and wish I were more articulate and standup for myself without causing misunderstanding and pain.
At least in the time left ahead in my life, let me have the wisdom to recognise and cherish love sooner.
p.s: Peeling pomegranates for someone is such an underated act of love. I am not alone in this opinion, please watch this
I have been feeling oddly joyful and at peace since yesterday. I also slept so well yesterday, it feels like it has been ages since I slept as good as yesterday. I am liking this. This peace. This calming joy. Feels so blissful. Thank you all!
This week had extremes on both good and bad. While I am very blessed and thankful for the good, the life lesson learnt from the bad is
I am not as good/intelligent/wise/kind as I think I am. Introspect, meditate and relentlessly identify everytime I am acting out of ego and not out of genuinity/love and constantly keep nipping ego over and over again.
The second life lesson is very close to Rachel McAdams vow in the movie “The vow”. “To speak when words are needed and to share silence when they’re not”
When you recognise someone else is acting out of ego. It doesn’t matter if that someone is someone you love and respect or not (actually easier if it is a stranger), just remain silent. No point pointing it out since the quality of ego itself screams “I am”. If they are unbearably egoistic then of course walk way but for majority of mankind just letting them live out their moments of ego is best for everyone involved.
At this point in time I do not know how to help someone else come out of their ego. However, in my own life Bhairavi Upasana and meditation helps
When you talk about it, of course its your ego, and any ego is leads to downfall..
“Everything is in God’s hands, and you are His tool to be used by Him as He pleases. Try to grasp the significance of ‘all is His’, and you will immediately feel free from all burdens. What will be the result of your surrender to Him? None will seem alien, all will be your very own, your Self.” -Sri Anandamayi Ma
I have lost many people/things/status etc… in all aspects of life due to entitlemen big and small. It is quiet a shame because this has been the case for many years. Good news is, at least now I see it clearly.
I owe never to assume that I am better than someone else.
Failures from past: Despite Navanee being the CTO, having worked at Zoho, Freshwork etc… thought I was better because of my interest in astro physics at the time, not paying enough attention at Shoonya because I have read it all, judging people because of the “language” they code in when I myself hate it when other developers judge me for my editor, assuming “DevOps” are not as intelligent as developers because they don’t “code” and judging all DevOps as stupids until the time when ironically I myself ended up in DevOps, thinking my entire org runs on 4 API and to top it all…. the relationship disastersa are too embarassing to even admit it but I will. Topping the list was falling in love with emotionally unavailable men (who I think never even considered me as friends in the first place) and deluding myself into believing that at some magical moment they will love me too because I am an entitled prick who thought the world revolved around her whim and fancies. Thank God those got no where and died before beginning.
Ooo the main one is, I actually think I can write better than Gaiman. And I have never return a book so far, not sold a penny while he is a global icon. If you have read this blog I grant you permission to smack me in the head next time you see me. I deserve that, for all this delusion, ego/entitlement that I have been acting. I guess it ain’t going away sooner, character changes happen over a course of time. So yeah, your smack would be appreciated
Good news is, at least now I see it clearly. My sense of entitlement ruining my life since 1994
I will spend the rest of my life living conciously and surrendering to universe.🙇♀️
Recently with the inaguration of Ram Mandir round the corner there is one fascinating story that came up. Apparently there is a sect of people who are descendants of the Indians who fought against the Mugal invasion that led to the demolition of Ram temple. They were so heart broken that they could not save the Ram temple, they took a vow never to wear turban (wearing turban is a symbol of prestidge to them). They were so ashamed of themselves and felt so sad that they could save the temple. Appaerntly the descendants of those Indians till this day do not wear turban. (Well of course a wide sect of people stopped wearing Turban for fashion but there also exists descendants of this group of people).
Imagine many hundred years ago a heart wrecking thing happens in your family and it is so heart wrecking for you that you pass it on and let it remain in your generation’s heart to restore the place of worship.
I started writing a review of the book Ganga and this story about the turban popped up in my head.The reason why I am bringin this up in the book review of Ganga is that, just like that many thousand years ago when for some reason the earth had gone dry. A king vowed to pray and bring rain/glacier to melt down to earth. He failed and his son failed, his grandson failed and his great grandson succeeded in bringing Ganga to earth.
If you are sceptical about prayers bringing river, consider it that for 4-5 generations they dug canals or routes for the river to flow.
At any rate what matters is the persistence and discipline that has transcended generations to come. WOW! and here we are in the age of technology where we just with one notification sound we loose focus and get distracted.
Let us remember the history of the ancestors, raise our focus and live our lives to the fullest.
A drop 