Wow! Maggie

Met a person named Maggie today.
God! she is so strong, hard working, positive, friendly, go getter, accomplished, positive and very understanding. I don’t even want to be friends with her (also I don’t think someone like her would want to be friends with someone like me, I am so poor and pathetic compared to her, a reminder to self that if and when I become like her I will help out or be friends with losers like me), am just happy that I get to interact with someone like her. I wish I was as brave as her in some aspects. Especially the part where she excitedly told me her love/marriage story. I wish I could express my interest to people with such light hearted abandon and continue to be brave, patient and positive despite the numerous possiblities. OMG! I was also blown away by how she was extremely understanding of the various cultural differences that she faced during the course of her relationship with her Indian boyfriend. More applause to her when she moved out of the apartment without making a big deal out of it when her partner’s conservative parents visited them. I don’t even in my wildest dreams expect anyone to do that for me. But god! how incredibly sweet would that be to be loved and understood like that especially from someone who does not have a similar cultural background. Altho I think I would have done the same to someone else. Anyways, wow! I am just so happy that I met her and know that people like her exists in this world. She sure deserves all the happiness and joy of a long and happy married life. Bless her sweet soul.

So yeah, goes without saying I wish I was as brave and understanding as her. But then I remember Ryan Holiday’s words that goes along, when you wish something from someone’s life are you willing to put in the work? And frankly, no, I dont want to become an extrovert, I love this book loving quiet aspect of me. I wish I could somehow skip that part of becoming an extrovert and just get into having a cozy snug family but then I realise u cant build your own family without becoming reasonably extroverted and social. But then again, am I not social enough? What more do I do? Dear god, help us out here. It feels like we are hopeless and lost without you.

p.s: I could perhaps ask for 1:1 with her to get some mentoring, but I am happy with Brianne and Karina 1:1 already. I always love Aarthi, Sadhana,Svetha and Lakshmi in those mentoring asepcts. On that note, thank you so much god for giving me so many strong women to look upto. I am fine, I will be doing great and I promise to pay back so much more. Love you more or atleast I try to.

Entitlement

When you talk about it, of course its your ego, and any ego is leads to downfall..

“Everything is in God’s hands, and you are His tool to be used by Him as He pleases. Try to grasp the significance of ‘all is His’, and you will immediately feel free from all burdens. What will be the result of your surrender to Him? None will seem alien, all will be your very own, your Self.”
-Sri Anandamayi Ma

I have lost many people/things/status etc… in all aspects of life due to entitlemen big and small. It is quiet a shame because this has been the case for many years. Good news is, at least now I see it clearly.

I owe never to assume that I am better than someone else.

Failures from past: Despite Navanee being the CTO, having worked at Zoho, Freshwork etc… thought I was better because of my interest in astro physics at the time, not paying enough attention at Shoonya because I have read it all, judging people because of the “language” they code in when I myself hate it when other developers judge me for my editor, assuming “DevOps” are not as intelligent as developers because they don’t “code” and judging all DevOps as stupids until the time when ironically I myself ended up in DevOps, thinking my entire org runs on 4 API and to top it all…. the relationship disastersa are too embarassing to even admit it but I will. Topping the list was falling in love with emotionally unavailable men (who I think never even considered me as friends in the first place) and deluding myself into believing that at some magical moment they will love me too because I am an entitled prick who thought the world revolved around her whim and fancies. Thank God those got no where and died before beginning.

Ooo the main one is, I actually think I can write better than Gaiman. And I have never return a book so far, not sold a penny while he is a global icon. If you have read this blog I grant you permission to smack me in the head next time you see me. I deserve that, for all this delusion, ego/entitlement that I have been acting. I guess it ain’t going away sooner, character changes happen over a course of time. So yeah, your smack would be appreciated

Good news is, at least now I see it clearly. My sense of entitlement ruining my life since 1994

I will spend the rest of my life living conciously and surrendering to universe.🙇‍♀️

Will

I and my mom were discussing various things during which we recollected this famous saying, “You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.”

I have my own experience to relate to this. A few years ago, I was very sad for a long period. My friends and family through various conversations and activities tried to pull me out. But I was stuck in that phase. I took my own sweet time of 3-4 years before I pulled myself up. Without my friends and family support I might have taken few more years to get better. I not only lacked enough intelligence to recognize the wrong turn that I had taken in my life but I also did not have enough understanding about the help that was offered to me by my friends and family. After I have given my all, lost few precious things and yet was not happy did it strike me that there is no point in this. Only after that, there was actual progress. I am very grateful to everyone that stood by me even though I was slow and took a lot of time to get better.

My point here is, I know it is very true that it is impossible to help someone unless they want to be helped.

But what I did not know was that the vice versa is true as well.
“Just like how you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You cannot sabotage or pull someone down who wants to progress.” Saying so my mom quoted the life of Sarada Devi and gave me a book on her life. I don’t think I will get into the mental space to be able to read such an intense book for another few years. But the vice versa was new to me.

I gave and still give a lot of importance to the vibe and environment. Knowing that, even in negative circumstances, we can still rise above is very empowering. I used to feel so scared and irritated when in a demotivating environment. But knowing this has changed my perspective.

Sudha Panchapakesan’s life could be a perfect example. Rising above unfortunate circumstances and doing her best. Needless to say, they are definite #couplegoals.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91MHMMelBz0

More power to everyone who is doing their best despite odds. Have a wonderful week ahead!