“I think you like me” Smiles “I know I like you” “mmhmmm” “I am pretty sure that you also know that I like you” Smiles broader “Clearly I know you like me” “….” “Altho what beats me is, why won’t you ask me out? Not knowing that is the only thing stopping me from asking you. … Also, you get shy and awkward when i try to even befriend you. seeing you shy and awkward makes me all shy and awkward, at least one of us should not be shy and awkward and say lets date”
At this point if this were a romantic comedy, the quiet one would have shut the talkative one off by a steamy kiss. But that ain’t happening with our hero and heroine coz this ain’t a romantic comedy this is the life of nerds, they are too awkward to hold hands let alone go for that dramatic steamy kiss. Our hero and heroine just smile awkwardly and walk away.
A million light years later they probably ended up asking each other out I guess, I can’t tell coz I am probably dead then.
Note from author: What is your favorite steamy kiss from any movie or series? Mine is Mutt and Alexis first kiss in Schitt’s creek.
In the rare times in my life when I had to deal with assholes I used to wonder “how could they be an asshole? can they not see being decent is so much easier and joyful? how could they miss it?” I just strongly refused to see anyone as an asshole. But with time opinions change.
On assholes
“The level of evolution is not enough. It is kind of self gratifying when you are able to put somebody else down and have absolutely no repurcurssion for your action.” – Anushka Sharma
How I deal with assholes? (These steps are tested in my own life and they work)
Recognise an asshole for an asshole. Don’t try to excuse them or try to build a narrative in your head to see them as human. It’s okay, world has all kinds of people that is how it works and you are bound to come across assholes.
Establish proper boundaries. You are an absolute idiot if you expect morality/respect from an asshole. Be strong, be hard set strict boundaries.
Have integrity. Know who you are. Be open to feedback. Be strong and hold your head high and keep doing the best you can at any given day.
Said all that it is true that “If you truly understand a being it is impossible to hate them”. This is true for assholes as well. If you are fortunate and privileged to have all the time in the world, then go on. Dedicate your life to bring in decency and morality. I am not that tho, assholes are a minority. While there are plenty of decent folks my 2c is, why waste your time and energy regardless of whatever level you are wasting on, a waste is a waste.
In unavoidable situation I see my interaction with assholes as the practical application of all the spiritual books that I read.
Anyways, life feels so much at ease when you finally start seeing things as is instead of deluding yourself with a false narrative. Your decisions are better, the results are more positive. Life in general is calmingly joyful when you are grounded in reality.
Good night world!
p.s: Huge shoutout to Sadhana. I would have written many articles about her in my blog one of the most incredibly strong woman whom I am fortunate to call my friend. She rightly pointed this out when I was trying so hard to have a good rapport with an asshole because I thought that is what being a “decent” human is. When I told her what was happening she very strongly and firmly said, “Surya you dont need an asshole in any aspect of life. There is absolutely no need for you to be friend with an asshole for any reason.”
When I first left my family for studies and job over a decade ago, I didnt feel sad I was relieved to be away. They are decent chaps. I was the asshole. Of course with me being the asshole the world knocked me out over and over and over and over again for many many years until I got close to being civil and decent. Here I am now. But everytime when I look back at the year before or even few years before I cannot stop but wonder at my stupidity. So honestly I don’t know how much of stupidity and assholesness is left in me.
Anyways, for the sake of this post let us assume I am reasonably kind and decent. Over the course of the last decade I have generally becoming more decent and loving. Thankfully I have also been feeling loved in equal measures if not more. Recently a day or two back this happened and I don’t want to forget it.
I had some rough days at work followed by a severe throat infection where I nearly lost my voice. Given I dont spend a lot of time with my family I did my best at work, helped at home chores and showed up at family social events but it was taxing.
And then this one day, I had a lot going on and was particularly sick, felt obligated to clock in coz i had already accepted few meetings and felt i wasnt too bad yet to take a sick leave.
That particularly grim day, I had soaked some laundry that I intended to have cleaned via the washing machine. Usually I am meeting free but that day I wasn’t, so I went in preparing for the meetings and then into the meeting and then post meeting work etc… Given my busy day, my sweet mom came in and out giving me fruits like peeled pomegranate, fruit juice etc… I almost didn’t help her at all at kitched that day. My mum and dad had co-ordinated with auto driver to pick us up for a event where I had wanted to go to take care of certain things. I had to again rush from the event because I hadn’t taken the day off and had few other meetings. I barely had time to eat food that day. I obviously should have canceled meetings and taken leave that day.
Anyways, the point here is. When the day was all over and the village had gone asleep I remember the soaked clothes I left by the washing machine in the backyard.
Unlocked the doors, turned on the backyard light and the clothes are neatly drying up.
That was a moment of relief and I felt so loved. My mom probably did that.
Growing up watching and reading movies and books where love is through words and expressed through hugs and kisses. Often as a teen I have painfully wondered if my family ever loved me. I was also a very confused, scared teen who didn’t have the patience, kindness or could articulate clearly.
From there to this moment of feeling loved. Wow! I wouldn’t give this up for a million “I love you”s. How stupid have I been to not see this?
I wish I could be there and take care of my parents. Anytime my parents wish I am there with them I hope I am with them. It is ironic that all through my childhood and teenage I didn’t love my parents as much as I love them now when I dont spend my everyday with them. If I could go back in time I would do more home chores and wish I were more articulate and standup for myself without causing misunderstanding and pain.
At least in the time left ahead in my life, let me have the wisdom to recognise and cherish love sooner.
p.s: Peeling pomegranates for someone is such an underated act of love. I am not alone in this opinion, please watch this
I have been feeling oddly joyful and at peace since yesterday. I also slept so well yesterday, it feels like it has been ages since I slept as good as yesterday. I am liking this. This peace. This calming joy. Feels so blissful. Thank you all!
This week had extremes on both good and bad. While I am very blessed and thankful for the good, the life lesson learnt from the bad is
I am not as good/intelligent/wise/kind as I think I am. Introspect, meditate and relentlessly identify everytime I am acting out of ego and not out of genuinity/love and constantly keep nipping ego over and over again.
The second life lesson is very close to Rachel McAdams vow in the movie “The vow”. “To speak when words are needed and to share silence when they’re not”
When you recognise someone else is acting out of ego. It doesn’t matter if that someone is someone you love and respect or not (actually easier if it is a stranger), just remain silent. No point pointing it out since the quality of ego itself screams “I am”. If they are unbearably egoistic then of course walk way but for majority of mankind just letting them live out their moments of ego is best for everyone involved.
At this point in time I do not know how to help someone else come out of their ego. However, in my own life Bhairavi Upasana and meditation helps
When you talk about it, of course its your ego, and any ego is leads to downfall..
“Everything is in God’s hands, and you are His tool to be used by Him as He pleases. Try to grasp the significance of ‘all is His’, and you will immediately feel free from all burdens. What will be the result of your surrender to Him? None will seem alien, all will be your very own, your Self.” -Sri Anandamayi Ma
I have lost many people/things/status etc… in all aspects of life due to entitlemen big and small. It is quiet a shame because this has been the case for many years. Good news is, at least now I see it clearly.
I owe never to assume that I am better than someone else.
Failures from past: Despite Navanee being the CTO, having worked at Zoho, Freshwork etc… thought I was better because of my interest in astro physics at the time, not paying enough attention at Shoonya because I have read it all, judging people because of the “language” they code in when I myself hate it when other developers judge me for my editor, assuming “DevOps” are not as intelligent as developers because they don’t “code” and judging all DevOps as stupids until the time when ironically I myself ended up in DevOps, thinking my entire org runs on 4 API and to top it all…. the relationship disastersa are too embarassing to even admit it but I will. Topping the list was falling in love with emotionally unavailable men (who I think never even considered me as friends in the first place) and deluding myself into believing that at some magical moment they will love me too because I am an entitled prick who thought the world revolved around her whim and fancies. Thank God those got no where and died before beginning.
Ooo the main one is, I actually think I can write better than Gaiman. And I have never return a book so far, not sold a penny while he is a global icon. If you have read this blog I grant you permission to smack me in the head next time you see me. I deserve that, for all this delusion, ego/entitlement that I have been acting. I guess it ain’t going away sooner, character changes happen over a course of time. So yeah, your smack would be appreciated
Good news is, at least now I see it clearly. My sense of entitlement ruining my life since 1994
I will spend the rest of my life living conciously and surrendering to universe.🙇♀️
Recently got conned by someone I had know for more than 25 years. No major loss, betrayal on some level that made my prespective on the world slightly negative. Here’s a post fixing that.
Having worked in IT, here is my simplistic understanding of the business world. The ultra supremely rich people pool their money and call themselves “Venture capitalist”. They then invest their money in ideas/people that they think would become profitable. Because they are ultra rich, they invest in many companies. Even if one among the 100 companies that they win become profitable and eventually gets public offering they will become even richer.
Taking this principle into the world of love. Should a loving and kind person stop being kind just because one of their loved one exploited their love or betrayed them? No. The more abundant the love in you, the more okay you are to the risk and the actuality of betrayal. Just like the ultra rich, they know that 99% of the investment is not going to yield profit, yet they invest because they know all that it takes is for one company to become profitable.
Similarly, let us take the learnings of betrayal and become more wise. That doesn’t mean we become grumpy and cynical. Let us always continue to love and be loved because nothing in the world comes close to love.
Needless to say a book that stood the test of time. Still very relevant. Filled with hope and romance. Given that a dear one of mine is very similar to Darcy I found this a very enjoyable read.
Got into Jane Austen after watching the movie barbie, followed by binge watching Greta Gerwig’s interview where she mentions Jane Austen one of her influences. To quote from the interview
Q: What book positively shaped your idea of romance? Greta Gerwig: Well, I don’t know about positively, but, definitely, I was shaped by Jane Austen because she was Jane Austen and it was what made me think that every guy who’s a jerk, was actually a super nice guy, who wanted to marry me.
My best friend also spoke very highly of Jane Austen.
Overall, definitely a good read. Regardless of who you are or where you come from. You will definitely find this book relatable.
Also learnt some facts about Jane Austen. Sad that she only went with pen name and was acknowledged and celebrated only after her death. Also reminded me that even Joane Kathleen Rowling had to go with JK Rowling because the publishers felt that a book written by a “man” would sell better. At least glad that slowly times are changing.
p.s: Wanted to read “Emma” but then neither the library chain that I frequent to nor the neighouring library chains have “Emma”. Can’t wait to read it though.
Q: What book positively shaped your idea of romance? Greta Gerwig: Well, I don’t know about positively, but, definitely, I was shaped by Jane Austen because she was Jane Austen and it was what made me think that every guy who’s a jerk, was actually a super nice guy, who wanted to marry me.
Greta Gerwig on an interview replied the above. I hope this is true, I have a huge attraction towards a seeming jerk, would be lovely if he wants to marry me instead of be an actual jerk. ❤
I have never read Jane Austen, but my bestie who is also a very intellectual person replied the below when i sent her the q&A “Could be. I think JA was a revolutionary feminist for her time because none of her romances were sugarcoated. That’s why I love Emma.”
Given all this, I really really really hope this is true. ❤ Forever and ever, me and my crush. If we ever become a couple and if we read this he would puke. LOL!
Not that anyone particularly reads my blog anyways, but to my imaginary audience, I shall update you all how this one goes.
p.s: time to chuck the toxic Long term, Low Commitment, Casual Girlfriend 😉
A drop 